PCOS

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend with PCOS and we were discussing all the weird symptoms and ways we have found relief. I'm going to write how I deal with it and products I use, also how the symptoms present in me. PCOS can be crazy and it is hard to find answers. If you read my blog for just Evan and family updates don't read any more. TMI is ahead!

I'm what is known as a "skinny cyster." I also have fairly regular periods. Some of the symptoms I have are cysts on ovaries, thick body hair, thinning hair, weight gain just at tummy, acne, and extreme skin sensitivity. (Also, infertility but this post isn't going there.) A lot of these symptoms I don't have much control over but I will tell you how I have overcome cysts and skin sensitivity.

Skin sensitivity is something I didn't consider as a side effect of PCOS. I never tied the two together until I started treating my skin and noticed that I felt better. Also, googling PCOS with skin sensitivity brought a lot of results. There are people suffering with this that don't know these are tied together. When your hormones are wack it affects everything. Here are a list of things that I use;

1. Laundry Detergent-I'm extremely sensitive to detergent, fabric softeners, and dryer sheets. In fact I don't use those last two items.They kill my skin. Think of scratching until you bleed, dermatitis, and chemical burns and you will understand how much I hate these items. I've tried several detergents including making my own. None of them worked. The only one that has worked so far is Charlie's Soap. It has no smell and it works. For years I thought I had restless leg syndrome but it was just the detergent and dryer sheets that were used and making my legs itch and move uncontrollably while sleeping. Another soap that works is Honest company's (you will hear a lot about them). It has NO smell and I love it. Occasionally I will use Borax or Oxiclean to make the detergent stronger for cleaning.  The Honest Company has dryer sheets but I haven't tried them yet.

2. Hand Soap- You would think this would be easy to find but let me tell you it took a long time to find one that worked. I finally figured out after working on finding toothpaste that anything with sodium laureth sulfate is a no no for my skin. My favorite liquid hand soap is Honest Hand Soap. I don't itch for hours afterwords and my skin doesn't break open.

3. Lotion- I have a few different kinds I like. I make my own out of coconut oil and vitamin e oil. I whip them together and it is fantastic. Alex even likes it. It just doesn't smell that great and whenever I add a smell to it, it just doesn't work for me as well. The best smelling lotion is Honest Face and Body lotion. They also have a balm that smells nasty but works fantastic. I have used this lotion for more than two seasons. That is the way I know it will work. If I can wear it in heat and cold weather without it giving me a heat rash or something than it is good to go.

4. Shampoo and Conditioner- This one took me forever. I tried baking soda and vinegar and that worked but took forever and I hated doing it. Then I tried several organic or natural brands but my hair was gross still. This was one of the first products that I knew I had a problem. I was talking to my non PCOS friend and told her how much my scalp itched right after the shower. She was like huh? That is not normal. It took a long time but I like the Honest Company's Shampoo and Conditioner.

5. Deodorant- So far I have found Arm and Hammer to have a good brand that works. I can put it on and not want to rip my clothes off to scratch.

6. Toothpaste- As long as it doesn't have sodium laureth sulfate in it, it is good to go. I just try to find the cheapest and usually have to go to the natural food store. This product is expensive.

7. Cleaners- I have found that I can't use anything with bleach in it. The stronger the cleaner the more I scratch and can't breath if I'm in the same room. I just make my own.

Those are all products that help with the skin. Now I will tell you about my diet. This has helped with cysts and my acne. The first thing I did was to stop eating packaged foods and stop GMO products. I feel 100% better. I haven't had a cyst that has crippled me in pain for over 2 years. The second thing is I stopped eating things with MSG and eat low gluten. The third thing is no diet soda, no chemicals from food or drink. I try to eat natural, organic, and real food. This is expensive but worth it to me. I don't have to have prescribe to painkillers or go to the ER crippled in pain for morphine. I still mess up occasionally and eat "bad" food when out and about but it isn't 100% of my diet.

The last thing I will tell you about is periods so if you really don't want to read stop here. I had horrible periods. I couldn't sit, stand, or bend over due to cramps. I thought I was dying each month and took painkillers every 4 hrs. I never found the correct dosage of what would work to get rid of the pain and discomfort. My first period that I had after bringing Evan home I found out I was out of tampons. This was February and it was cold. I wasn't allowed to bring him anywhere for two more months and Alex kept forgetting to buy some from the store. So for the first time I was home and just used pads. After my period was over I noticed that I never took tylenol. I first thought it was just a fluke so I decided the next time I would just use pads and see what happened. The same thing. I did this 3 more times and the same results. I started to research tampons and discovered that bleach is used. I was burning my body from the inside out and never knew! For years I didn't understand when people talked about not "feeling" tampons. I felt them the whole time and thought how awful they were.

Before the summer started I knew I needed something that worked better than pads. I researched and found the Diva Cup.  This is the most amazing thing ever. I don't feel it and it is better than tampons. The best part is I never have to buy them again. If you can get over the icky factor it will change your life. I still haven't had to take a tylenol for almost 2 years and I can do things during my period. I just wish I found it earlier. This also saves the environment by not putting tampons out there. I wish all my friends would switch over. There are many different shapes and sizes with other brands.

That is it. If you have things you use or diet that works for you let me know. Or if you have a question.

Dreams Change

I've been feeling that I needed to write more about infertility or adoption and this is one of my personal journal posts from my private blog that I thought I would share.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I haven't had that dream in 4 years. That is when I gave up those dreams and chose a new one. It was painful to remember how those dreams used to affect me so strongly. I even had nauseous when I woke up which made the dream seem even more real. When I was getting ready for the day I found myself subconsciously fingering the drawer that carried the "stuff." You know, the OPK stick, BBT thermometers, pregnancy tests, plastic cups, and my copy of TCOYF so I could refer to the pictures if needed.

That drawer was emptied when we started to move forward with adoption but it was very hard to do. You see that drawer held my one positive pregnancy test that I held on to as proof that I was a woman. That my body worked just as well as others. It was something I would refer back to when my hopes were crushed month after month. Throwing it away was painful but necessary for me to fully commit to our new dream. Losing your dream to pick up another one is harder than most people imagine. My whole life I've been told that the first dream is the way to go and now I needed to change? How do you shut your body hormones down when they are screaming to do the one thing they are meant to? Your heart and mind knows what you should be doing but every month those hormones come back to "try" again. I'm just feeling what women have been feeling for ages.

I sometimes wish I could shut that part down in my body. Then I remember that was something I needed to have when we were placed with our son. My body started to adapt towards Evan and merged with his rhythms and cycles. I woke easily to his sounds, I interpreted his cries, and I knew what he needed from within. It did take time but my body shaped around him and his needs like it was supposed to. I loved him from the beginning but the bond took time for the both of us. He was getting used to me while I was getting used to him.

I still suffer from my infertility pain and I think it will always be there. Every baby shower announcement, pregnant shoppers, and newborn clothes will give me that "twitch" right in my heart. That knowledge that I know exactly what my life would have looked like if infertility wasn't in it. I've been married almost 9 years which means I would have had an almost 8 year old, 6 year old, 4 year old, and maybe 2 year old. I would have been done child bearing before I turned 30. When in reality I wasn't a mother until I was 30.

Only one look at my Evan makes those many painful years and thoughts worthwhile. I will never regret that my dreams changed. When in reality I was living the life I was supposed to have, Evan is right where he needs to be and I'm the mother that I need to be to my son. 

Waiting in Adoption

The whole week before Evan's birthday and his actual birthday I have been reliving memories/thoughts of placement and the 2 and 1/2 years we spent waiting. We had been married for almost 5 years when we were put on the active list. During that first year we had no activity. No one emailed us, no one wanted to know more about us.

At the year mark we received 2 emails from potential birthmothers. We got to meet both of them. I will never forget them. We love both of them so much. At this time one decided on a different couple and one decided on us. We were overjoyed and started to tell people. A few months before the due date we found out that they had decided to parent. We were heartbroken. Taking down that nursery and putting things away has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. We still have contact with these two women. Both are fantastic people and definitely made the right decisions for their families.

A few months after we had another meeting with a potential birthmother. We were chosen again. Because of circumstances we were not allowed to tell a lot of people about the situation. A week before baby was due we had a call that told us again we wouldn't be parenting this baby. Another heartwrenching loss for the both of us. Unbeknownst to us, this is when Evan's birthmom found out she was expecting.

That whole summer was hard. We decided that we would continue to pray and see if IVF was our direction. People that we had taking the adoption classes with were placed with their second child as we were waiting for our first. We were so discouraged. We called the clinic around September and talked to the financial adviser. We kept getting the answer to wait. That adoption was where we needed to be.

Then November happened and an email came. At first we didn't know what to think. Was this really happening? We met in December and we felt like it was right. Adoption love is a strange experience. It's really hard to explain for those that never have witnessed it. We love that Evan has his genetics from his first family. Everyday he does a face or expression that looks just like Amanda or Ava. We love hearing stories about the kids in his first family and seeing how much he is like them. Also, watching him pick up things from us is fun. He acts just like Alex sometimes that I feel like they are two old souls that got reacquainted.  Evan is addicted to his daddy and wants him all the time. They sit and share a red licorice and watch a hunting show almost everyday. Alex still gets up early everyday to feed him. I haven't had to do one in a long time. I hear them in the monitor every morning playing while I get ready. These two boys hang out all the time and Alex can't wait till the summer to take him riding again.

A lot of my friends are still waiting for their child. Don't give up hope. Being a parent is worth it no matter the wait. I am so, so, so, so grateful for all our failed placements. It makes me upset to think that if we would have been taken off the list at the wrong time or we went forward with IVF that Evan wouldn't have been placed in our home. Things just seemed to fit into place even when our hope was small. I pray everyday for my friends and hope that their wait isn't as long as ours needed to be.  Adoption is incredible and scary and fantastic all at the same time. Waiting is the hardest part about it but if you let it you can grow so much.

Open Adoption=Love

 We were able to go visit Amanda and her new family over the weekend. She just got married to a great guy and has some of the cutest kids ever. Evan loved being taken care of by three little girls and a cute redheaded boy.

This is how Evan gives hugs and kisses. He either goes open mouth towards you or just pushes you with his big head. What a loved boy!

I don't regret one minute of pain or hurt the many years of infertility brought on. It just made it all the sweeter when we were placed with this bundle of love. We are approaching the one year mark in a few weeks and I don't want to celebrate the bitter-sweetness of placement. I want to remember the joy of an open relationship and unconditional love you have for someone. She carried and took care of him for which I will always be grateful. She gave this wonderful boy life and blessed him with his incredible good looks. So many blessings have happened because of this adoption and I don't ever want to forget.

Worth the Wait

I just had to relive the moment that we saw Evan for the first time. He was totally worth the wait and then some. Reality was so much sweeter than any dream that I ever had.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Grief and Infertility

I've been wanting to write a little more about infertility and helping out those that are having a hard time for awhile now. It is one of those topics that are dear to me and I'm always willing to listen to my friends and support them in their struggles. We have a small group that gets together in our town and so far it has helped heal a lot of our emotional baggage. One of the hardest parts of infertility was the grieving process and what it looked like. Everyone grieves differently and for some it takes years to come to terms with it. About 3 months ago I read this article that helped me immensely. It really put into perspective what Alex and I, with all my other infertile friends, feel about our grief. Even though the article is about losing a child, it still pertains to infertility. Here is my favorite excerpt from it:

"Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the other players. You keep banging into it, surprised each time that it's still there. It takes all your concentration to work around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything.

The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it.

But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright, and slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story of your life.

You learn to play that piano. You're surprised to find that you want to play, that it's meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief -- together -- begin to compose hope. Who'da thought?

Your grief becomes an intimate treasure, though the spaces between the grief lengthen. You no longer need to play the piano every day, or even every month. But later, when you're 84, staring out your kitchen window on a random Tuesday morning, you welcome the sigh, the tears, the wistful pain that moves through your heart and reminds you that your child's life mattered.

You wipe the dust off the piano and sit down to play."

 I have found that I already have done this. Infertility is written in every aspect of my life. It infiltrates my whole being. Sometimes my "piano" is in the way and all I want to do is destroy it. At other times I hardly notice it at all. Alex and I will never have a child in the "normal" way. This has taken me a long time to embrace. Our family is beautiful just the way it is, whether we have children or not. Evan healed our childlessness but infertility will never go away.

To my infertile friends, please take care of yourselves, please take care of your husbands, please don't let that piano stay in the middle of the stage all the time, and rejoice that your journey will lead to an end. Maybe not the end you want, but there will be an end. I love you so much and support you. I continually pray for everyone's miracle!

To my Infertility and Adoption Friends

I know I have been neglecting you all lately and focusing on our son Evan. Just wanted to share this new Pampers commercial because it is so rare that a commercial will tell it like it is, Each baby no matter how they come to us is a miracle! I love everyone that has helped in the journey and am always praying for those still in it, whether they are adopting or going through treatments. We are living our "seven year late" miracle. Hope everyone's miracle comes soon!

Needed to hear this today...

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell

Some advice

Please, please, please, don't complain to me about how horrible your pregnancies are and that you're thinking of doing adoption next time. This really hurts my feelings and minimizes the blessings of adoption. I know you don't mean it in a hurtful way, but adoption hasn't been easy for us. If you knew all the paperwork, money, and time that Alex and I spend on it, you would gladly take your 9 months of discomfort to get a beautiful baby that you can take home from the hospital.

We didn't "pick" an easy way and eventually we are looking forward to our journey ending with an adoption. After being picked three times and two failed placements in two years we still are motivated to do adoption. Please be thoughtful and kind when you give us advice.

Infertility Awareness Week

Alex and I have been infertile for 6 long years now. We still think about what it would be like to have had children of our own even though we are adopting. RESOLVE is a national organization that brings infertility awareness and I thought I would share some of their best stuff on the website. Even though Alex and I have moved on to adoption and are really excited about starting our family that way it doesn't mean we aren't still sad about being infertile. It will never leave us because it is a part of who we are.

Here is an article that they have on Infertility Etiquette. If any of you follow The R House you probably have already seen it. Alex and I have had all of this advice said to us sometime during our journey.

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

A Little Encouragment

I have been reading conference talks to get caught up and I have to say that Elder Uchtdorf's talk in Priesthood session was the best. It was about patience. Here is my favorite part:

I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

You can find more of his talk here

Alex and I are hanging in there for our adoption to happen. We hope no one else feels discouraged if they are in the same journey and if they do please read his talk!!

This was a talk that we needed to hear because we found out the next morning that S~ had her baby. We are happy that she and the baby are healthy but we were upset thinking of our lost opportunity.

Sometimes this sounds easier!!

People have advised us with getting an animal after the failed placement. It always makes me laugh! They are so very similar!

A Year in the Life of an Infertile Woman

I just had to share this for those that don't know what it's like to be childless and for those that do. Now, I had the link to it because I didn't write it but, the link isn't working. I got it off of another blog and I can't remember where. If any of my infertile sisters remember please tell. They need credit for such a wonderful post.

I am in my 5th infertile year.



The year starts off easy enough...


New Years -- This is where we make all those resolutions, or in the case of an infertile, their hopes and dreams and goals for the year ahead. We tell ourselves that this is going to be our year! We are not going to face another new Year's without a child. We are going to do whatever it takes to reach our dreams this year. And we kiss, still crushed from the year prior, but with a renewed hope for the year to come. This is going to be our year -- it has to be.

Valentines Day -- Finally, a holiday that doesn't remind us of children! It's all about love. Only, we are pumped up on drugs, or so exhausted from treatments, that it's hard to enjoy. Not to mention, in the back of our minds, we know all those other couples, sitting around us, eating their dinner, have children they get to go home to. Valentine's cards to help them write out. Little hearts and chocolates to scatter around the house in anticipation of little excited faces.

March Break -- On the heels of Valentines Day comes March break. Children abound, as families pack up to enjoy a fun week together somewhere. But not you. No, you plough forward, head down, trying not to notice.

Easter -- Next comes Easter. The stores are filled with reminders of children. Everywhere you look is a reminder of what you are missing. Easter bunnies, Easter baskets, Easter egg hunts. Pretty spring children's dresses. Excited little faces and happy families are everywhere. You long to be part of an easter egg hunt of your own, but instead, you close your eyes and hope you just make it through.

Mothers Day -- As if Easter wasn't bad enough, Mother's Day is close behind. A slap in the face to infertiles everywhere. You are not a mother and you wonder if you ever will be. You do not get breakfast in bed, a hand drawn card, a hug from that sweet little child telling you they love you. It's a painful reminder of what you will never have, and what everyone around you gets so easily. It's almost too much to bear, as you watch others enjoy what you long for so badly.

Fathers Day -- Of course Father's Day is right behind. Happy children and their dads, out to brunch, playing golf, fishing, enjoying the day together. You think of your husband and what he is missing. You can't help picturing him as a father, knowing how good he would be. You imagine your own children taking his hand and hopping up on his lap, smiling up at him. Their dad. Their hero. And you can't help from thinking how robbed he is, when you see the pain on his face.

Summer Holidays -- One of the best times of year for family fun. Kids are out of school. Everywhere you look are happy families picnicking, going to the park, the beach. And you long to be one of them. The carefree days of summer are everywhere. Long weekends and camping trips. Innocent times and bonding and memories being created that will last a life time. Yet, you still cannot join in the fun.

Weddings -- Of course, what would the summer be without weddings. You watch, as other couples get married, knowing that soon, their dreams will come true, and they will be blessed with families before you. You think back to your wedding, how excited and hopeful you were for the future together. All the family plans you had, the big house, the fun family trips. And it's painful to watch it come true for everyone else but you.

Baby showers -- Invites to baby showers come fast and furious. You can't even bear to open the envelope. You shop for other peoples' children, holding back the lump in your throat, trying not to breathe, and maybe you will get through it.

Birthdays -- Next comes your birthday. But you have nothing to celebrate. It's just a painful reminder that you are another year older, another year has passed without a child. Your chances are decreasing every single day. And you can't bear to blow out your candle, yet again, and make the only wish you have been wishing. Because it still hasn't come true.

Anniversaries -- Your wedding anniversary is upon you, and it's time to celebrate your love. The one thing that keeps you going through all the pain. But unfortunately, it's also an anniversary where you both will mourn another year passing without a child. The family you haven't created.

Back to School -- Back to school has become a season these days. You look around at all the stores, all the little knapsacks, and school supplies. Your nieces and nephews are getting older. Friends children are growing up before your eyes. Life is moving forward without you. You can't help but feel like it's completely passing you by.

Halloween -- As the autumn leaves fall, families are huddled up carving pumpkins together, making candy apples, playing in the falling leaves. And Halloween rolls around quickly. Parents dress up little angels, princesses, and monsters in the cutest outfits you have ever seen. You dread the day as it grows darker, knowing that soon, happy little children will be knocking on your door, saying trick or treat. And you will barely be able to keep yourself from crying. You think about everything you are missing. You long to be taking your own children out from house to house. And you end the night, a puddle on the floor, sobbing your eyes out, wishing you could hide away forever.

Thanksgiving -- The season of family is officially upon you. Happy families get together to share turkey and rejoice in all that they have to be thankful for. Just the thought of another holiday where you still don't have your own family to share it with, tortures you beyond belief. You have a hard time thinking of anything to be thankful for, let alone, sharing the holiday with family and friends who have everything you want. Everyone has a family except for you, and the pain cuts so deep you don't think you will survive it.

Christmas -- The holiday season is upon you in no time. The pinnacle of holidays is finally here. Christmas is the motherload, the holiday of all holidays. The one you have been dreading all year. For it is the season of children and dreams and families and miracles. For everyone but you. Little stocking hanging from the fireplace, ornaments on the tree, hopes of Santa, snowmen on front lawns, Christmas parades, hot chocolate, cold little toes and noses and happy laughter fills the air. The stores bellow out Christmas music. Commercials celebrate families and children. Movies are filled with the magic of family. Christmas lights and Santa sleighs, and nativity scenes are everywhere. Christmas cards arrive in the mail, all those happy smiling family pictures and updates from friends and families. The magic of the season is everywhere, all around you, suffocating you, choking you to death. The pain has never been so great, so real, and so deep. You envy everyone you see. You can barely venture out your front door. It is the happiest season of all, a season you once loved, a season you wonder if you will ever love again. A season that now pulls you under with such grief that you are sure you will die. But you don't die. You survive. As you brace yourself for the upcoming New Year and the whole new calendar that comes with it.