The Odd Life of Timothy Green

This is a movie that I have been waiting to see. It is about an infertile couple who become parents through a miracle! Of course I want to see it. Maybe I'll have time this weekend. I love it when they ask her where he came from. The mom says, "It was all very sudden...and kinda of miraculous." That is how adoption is.

Preparing for Adoption

A question I get asked ALL the time from people that are just starting the process of adoption or who are paper ready is "What did you do while waiting? How did you prepare?"

Since we did domestic infant adoption my answers to this question are very different than if someone was doing foster care or international adoption. Here is a list that we did to prepare because you have no control over waiting time.

1. Save money. Save as much as you can because as much as you have will never be as much as you really need.

2. Tell your employer that you are planning on adopting and that you will give them information when you get chosen. They don't need to ask every month about how it's going but they do need to be prepared for when you have the call and need to take maternity/paternity leave.

3. Find out as much as you can about adoption. Talk to everyone you know. Try to read positive books, blogs, or articles.

4. Take charge of your infertility feelings and let go of some of that power. Infertility will always suck but don't let it take over how you will parent. Adopting after infertility is a healing process but you can get stuck on feeling guilty that you made it out of the "club."

5. Prepare a baby room if you can. We just bought basic things like pack n' play, carseat and general newborn clothes. I also bought a few bottles and stuff I thought I would need. Some people need to prepare before baby to feel like they are nesting while others it is too painful. We went the middle ground and just got things ready if we were called in the middle of the night to pick up a baby.

6. Pray for birthmothers. Pray like you haven't prayed before. Pray that they will have peace come as they make a decision and pray that they can find the parents that they need for their child.

7. Give up your expectations of what your child will be like. Genetically your child will come with gifts that you will get to discover. How wonderful to let nature discover all the talents your child will have! Embrace the differences in your child and rejoice in nurturing their abilities.

8. Give up your expectations of what your pregnancy would look like. I would have loved to have eaten only organic food and never touched a soda but guess what, I wasn't the one pregnant and neither will you be. You have no control over what the birthmother is doing while pregnant. I'm so grateful that Evan had a wonderful first mom that took care of him in the womb. She was great at it.

9. Love your child's birthmom and birthdad. They might not make choices you agree with, they might not be what you expected, or they might not be there at all. They deserve your unconditional love anyway. Talk about the birthparents in positive terms in front of your child. Don't give details away to too many people. This is your child's story. Do you want a second cousin to know more than your child? What if your child wants to keep some of their story private and you have already told everyone? What if they find out something before they are ready to handle it? Be prepared and thoughtful when it comes to details.

10. Don't lose focus on your main goal. That you want to be a parent. While you are waiting educate others about adoption, open adoption, multiracial families, etc.

This journey of yours can be long. It can be heartbreaking and full of crazy situations. It will be hard but so worth it. Hang in there everyone!

Growing up too fast

 I'm having a difficult time with Evan growing up. I've been packing away clothes and donating them to family or friends. It was very bittersweet. I actually cried over an outfit which I thought I would never do because clothes aren't that important too me. Evan's original blankies are threadbare and faded from the frequent washings that I had replaced them with a new package. It was hard packing those away. Will I ever have another newborn to wrap up? Or will it be an older child from a different country? Or will we be foster parents? Who knows the next direction to build our family will turn. The only thing we know for sure is it will be adoption.

This little man is so special and fun. I love this stage that he is at and we go everywhere together.

Here is a sweet song by Mindy Gledhill about little boys. I just love it.

"Little boy, when you speak
I can't help but kiss your cheeks
I love the way you grab my hands
And tell me all about your plans"

Dreams Change

I've been feeling that I needed to write more about infertility or adoption and this is one of my personal journal posts from my private blog that I thought I would share.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I haven't had that dream in 4 years. That is when I gave up those dreams and chose a new one. It was painful to remember how those dreams used to affect me so strongly. I even had nauseous when I woke up which made the dream seem even more real. When I was getting ready for the day I found myself subconsciously fingering the drawer that carried the "stuff." You know, the OPK stick, BBT thermometers, pregnancy tests, plastic cups, and my copy of TCOYF so I could refer to the pictures if needed.

That drawer was emptied when we started to move forward with adoption but it was very hard to do. You see that drawer held my one positive pregnancy test that I held on to as proof that I was a woman. That my body worked just as well as others. It was something I would refer back to when my hopes were crushed month after month. Throwing it away was painful but necessary for me to fully commit to our new dream. Losing your dream to pick up another one is harder than most people imagine. My whole life I've been told that the first dream is the way to go and now I needed to change? How do you shut your body hormones down when they are screaming to do the one thing they are meant to? Your heart and mind knows what you should be doing but every month those hormones come back to "try" again. I'm just feeling what women have been feeling for ages.

I sometimes wish I could shut that part down in my body. Then I remember that was something I needed to have when we were placed with our son. My body started to adapt towards Evan and merged with his rhythms and cycles. I woke easily to his sounds, I interpreted his cries, and I knew what he needed from within. It did take time but my body shaped around him and his needs like it was supposed to. I loved him from the beginning but the bond took time for the both of us. He was getting used to me while I was getting used to him.

I still suffer from my infertility pain and I think it will always be there. Every baby shower announcement, pregnant shoppers, and newborn clothes will give me that "twitch" right in my heart. That knowledge that I know exactly what my life would have looked like if infertility wasn't in it. I've been married almost 9 years which means I would have had an almost 8 year old, 6 year old, 4 year old, and maybe 2 year old. I would have been done child bearing before I turned 30. When in reality I wasn't a mother until I was 30.

Only one look at my Evan makes those many painful years and thoughts worthwhile. I will never regret that my dreams changed. When in reality I was living the life I was supposed to have, Evan is right where he needs to be and I'm the mother that I need to be to my son. 

Adoption Books

I've been reading Evan a lot of adoption books lately. He loves to read and enjoys going and getting a book from his collection to bring to me. We are continually talking about adoption, his birth mother and sister, and what it means to belong to a family. So far he loves looking at pictures of himself and says, "baby" over and over. He loves his sealing pictures the most and the one where he is in the tub.

Some of the books we have are;

1) A Blessing from Above by Patti Henderson. It is about a mother Kangaroo with an empty poach who prays every day for a baby to care for. It is cute and short. It doesn't go in depth about adoption but is a good jumping off point. Evan likes the pictures in it.

2) Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis. This book is very funny and heartwarming at the same time. It is told by the child reliving the events that her parents have talked about when they went to pick her up after she was born. I love the pictures. One of my favorite parts says, "Tell me again how you held hands all the way to the hospital..." I love this because it was what Alex and I did when we arrived at the hospital to see Evan for the first time.

3) God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergen. I can't get through this book without crying yet. I'm a mess with this one. Evan has started to notice when I cry and pokes me in the eye to see if I will stop. This book goes into more details of adoption and birthmothers. I look forward to discussing some of these issues with Evan someday. My favorite part of this book is when the baby fox asks about his birthmom. The mommy fox says, "I think she prayed like crazy that you would be safe, Little Fox. I think she prayed for me as much as I prayed for her...and God answered both our prayers."

4) I Wished for You by Mariann Richmond. This is another book that I can't make it completely through without losing it. I have cried and cried with this story because I just love it so much. It talks about the decision to adopt, infertility, and families that don't "look alike." I love it. I have many favorite parts; "Of all the children in the whole wide world, God picked you for me." "You are more beautiful than I ever dreamed." "The mama who grew you loved you enough to make a different wish-a wish for a family who would love her little one with a total and adoring love." There are just too many parts of the story that I love and it would take me putting the whole book down to share.

I am still working on Evan's adoption story and book. After reading these four I know how I want it to be.

PCMC

This hospital holds a special place in my heart. It is the place where I became a mother and the place where Evan's birthmom said goodbye to him. I remember how heartbreaking the NICU unit is with all the other families around us and how helpless some of the kids are. I watched families leave the hospital without their child and saw many children get to leave after they were cured or had a treatment/surgery. Probably the most heartbreaking site I saw was a couple leaving with their empty carseat from the NICU.

I was in shock and numb for a lot of the time while I was at the hospital. It was our first adoption, we were nervous about Evan, we had a million things going through our head and to top it off I got RSV and was so sick. I wish I had slept more and worried less but there isn't that much you can do about it.

It is the annual telethon for PCMC and here is a link to donate money. If you live in SE Idaho you can also donate money when you grocery shop or go to Walmart. Our bill was almost 100k when we left PCMC. We were so lucky to have insurance and after they paid for everything it came to 4k. The amazing thing is when I called to get a payment plan scheduled they told us it was already taken care of. This wonderful hospital completely covered the rest and it was truly a blessing. We still had several high bills through University of Utah and all the specialists we had to see but this helped out enormously. We now donate every chance we get because I know how much families really need it.

Here is a goofy picture of me with Evan almost exactly a year when he was released from the hospital. We are standing in front of PCMC's motto, "The Child First and Always."

This is the video KSL has made to raise funds for children in need. If you are able please donate. Especially if this is your local children's hospital because it serves such a large region. Here is another link for donation and information.

Adoption Quotes

I love adoption quotes. I have several friends that are waiting for a placement and a few whose children are due in the next few months. I can't wait until they bring home their little miracles. Adoption changes your heart.

Here are 10 great ones that you can find on this website and this one as well.

1. “If a mother and father can love more than one child then why is it so hard to understand that a child can love more than one mother and father?” ~ Unknown

2. “When she looks in the mirror, we want our daughter to know herself. It’s hard to face the world when you don’t know where your face came from.” ~ Adoptive parents

3. “However motherhood comes to you, it’s a miracle.” ~ Valerie Harper, adoptive mother

4. “Adoption comes from the heart, but the adoption process comes from the Law. You should follow your heart, but be sure you also follow the law.” ~ Irina O’Rear

5. “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” ~ An ancient Chinese belief

6. “Children and mothers never truly part, bound together by the beating of one another’s heart.” ~ Charlotte Gray

7. “Giving birth does not make a mother…. Placing a child for adoption does not make her less of one.” ~ Unknown

8. “There are two different kinds of strength. There’s the strength to make a parenting plan and then there’s the strength to give that plan to another.”

9. “Having a child means a piece of your heart is walking around in the world.” ~ Unknown

10. “Children need two things. One is roots and the other is wings.” ~ Unknown

Waiting in Adoption

The whole week before Evan's birthday and his actual birthday I have been reliving memories/thoughts of placement and the 2 and 1/2 years we spent waiting. We had been married for almost 5 years when we were put on the active list. During that first year we had no activity. No one emailed us, no one wanted to know more about us.

At the year mark we received 2 emails from potential birthmothers. We got to meet both of them. I will never forget them. We love both of them so much. At this time one decided on a different couple and one decided on us. We were overjoyed and started to tell people. A few months before the due date we found out that they had decided to parent. We were heartbroken. Taking down that nursery and putting things away has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. We still have contact with these two women. Both are fantastic people and definitely made the right decisions for their families.

A few months after we had another meeting with a potential birthmother. We were chosen again. Because of circumstances we were not allowed to tell a lot of people about the situation. A week before baby was due we had a call that told us again we wouldn't be parenting this baby. Another heartwrenching loss for the both of us. Unbeknownst to us, this is when Evan's birthmom found out she was expecting.

That whole summer was hard. We decided that we would continue to pray and see if IVF was our direction. People that we had taking the adoption classes with were placed with their second child as we were waiting for our first. We were so discouraged. We called the clinic around September and talked to the financial adviser. We kept getting the answer to wait. That adoption was where we needed to be.

Then November happened and an email came. At first we didn't know what to think. Was this really happening? We met in December and we felt like it was right. Adoption love is a strange experience. It's really hard to explain for those that never have witnessed it. We love that Evan has his genetics from his first family. Everyday he does a face or expression that looks just like Amanda or Ava. We love hearing stories about the kids in his first family and seeing how much he is like them. Also, watching him pick up things from us is fun. He acts just like Alex sometimes that I feel like they are two old souls that got reacquainted.  Evan is addicted to his daddy and wants him all the time. They sit and share a red licorice and watch a hunting show almost everyday. Alex still gets up early everyday to feed him. I haven't had to do one in a long time. I hear them in the monitor every morning playing while I get ready. These two boys hang out all the time and Alex can't wait till the summer to take him riding again.

A lot of my friends are still waiting for their child. Don't give up hope. Being a parent is worth it no matter the wait. I am so, so, so, so grateful for all our failed placements. It makes me upset to think that if we would have been taken off the list at the wrong time or we went forward with IVF that Evan wouldn't have been placed in our home. Things just seemed to fit into place even when our hope was small. I pray everyday for my friends and hope that their wait isn't as long as ours needed to be.  Adoption is incredible and scary and fantastic all at the same time. Waiting is the hardest part about it but if you let it you can grow so much.

Open Adoption=Love

 We were able to go visit Amanda and her new family over the weekend. She just got married to a great guy and has some of the cutest kids ever. Evan loved being taken care of by three little girls and a cute redheaded boy.

This is how Evan gives hugs and kisses. He either goes open mouth towards you or just pushes you with his big head. What a loved boy!

I don't regret one minute of pain or hurt the many years of infertility brought on. It just made it all the sweeter when we were placed with this bundle of love. We are approaching the one year mark in a few weeks and I don't want to celebrate the bitter-sweetness of placement. I want to remember the joy of an open relationship and unconditional love you have for someone. She carried and took care of him for which I will always be grateful. She gave this wonderful boy life and blessed him with his incredible good looks. So many blessings have happened because of this adoption and I don't ever want to forget.

Worth the Wait

I just had to relive the moment that we saw Evan for the first time. He was totally worth the wait and then some. Reality was so much sweeter than any dream that I ever had.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Almost weekly, people ask us how Amanda is doing. I'm sure she gets some of those same questions except they are about Evan and us. I'm always willing to share what open adoption means and our experiences with it. I also like to share about adoption in general and how wonderful it can truly be.

One thing I like to point out because everyone tells us how lucky Evan is, WE are the lucky ones. We were chosen by an incredible woman who put Evan first, not because she didn't love him enough or that she wasn't enough for him, but because she wanted more for him. In order for me to become a mother, another mother's heart had to break. This is very humbling to me. Evan has healed our very fragile spirits that infertility had brought on. In fact very few people know how fragile Alex and I were when it came to building our family. We had to go through all the stages of grief and in some ways that will always stay with us. In all those years we had to completely give up our will to the Lord. We had no say in what the future would bring, only the hope that something would happen. We would have waited 7 more years for our miracle. Evan has such a spirit to him. I don't think he will ever truly understand how much he saved us, how much we have learned from him, how he grew our faith in the gospel, and how much he continues to complete us. Wherever we go people constantly smile and look at him. A lot of it is because he is such a cute, smiley boy but he has an enormous spirit that shines for everyone. There is a glow and brightness in his eyes that complete strangers have commented on. He truly is a joy of child. Some of the greatest moments have been when Alex comes home and scoops him up. Evan adores his daddy and seeing Alex as a dad makes my heart melt. These two guys knew each other before coming to this earth and it always amazes me how alike they are. We are forever grateful to be Evan's parents. We love Amanda so much and are proud of her in all that she does. We are her biggest cheerleaders and every night she is in our prayers. Throughout the day I tell Evan how much he is loved by Amanda and give him hugs and kisses for her.

Sealing Day

This handsome little man was sealed to us this past Saturday. It was such a beautiful day and very warm. Evan slept up until the sealing when the worker brought him in to the room. He looked a little dazed and cried until his binky was put back in his mouth. He listened intently to the sealer and then popped that binky out at the end. It was so cute and funny. The spirit was strong in the sealing room and made us all glad for open adoption. Both of our families love him so much and can't imagine him being anywhere else. Evan is such a blessing and is loved by many people. Alex and I are lucky to have Evan be part of our forever family. We also love that he came with a wonderful first family that loves him just as much.
This is the picture right when we came out of the Logan Temple.

Here is one with all the family that came.

Here is a special one with Amanda and Ava, her parents, and her brothers.

Just before he started getting tired of pictures and being out in the sun.

This is one of my favorites. He was so tired but we wanted to get a good sibling picture of his older sister Ava together. He is such a big boy. This was the end of his cooperation.

Later that day Alex gave him a name and blessing. Sadly, he had on just his onsie. I was showing Amanda how cute his fat legs and feet were after I changed him and then the time got away from me. I forgot to put his pants back on.

Birthmothers Day is Today

Here is Amanda a few days after placement. Today is birthmother's day and if you know one please let them know you are thinking about them. We love that Evan looks so much like her. He is such a happy boy and we kiss and hug him everyday for her. We get to see her soon so that she can get to see this big, smiley boy again. Last time she was with him he was such a string bean.

This is for Amanda:

She holds him in her heart

And she remembers...

She remembers the magic of the first flutter of life,

She remembers the delight of looking into his tiny face for the first time

And saying, "So there you are!"

She remembers the sadness of letting go

And the incredible pain of separation

She will always remember what it was like to be his mother to hold his tiny body close

Today we remember her

for all she has given

for her part in bringing a miraculous life into the world

For the love she will always have and hold

in her heart.

Brenda Romanchik, 1995

To my Infertility and Adoption Friends

I know I have been neglecting you all lately and focusing on our son Evan. Just wanted to share this new Pampers commercial because it is so rare that a commercial will tell it like it is, Each baby no matter how they come to us is a miracle! I love everyone that has helped in the journey and am always praying for those still in it, whether they are adopting or going through treatments. We are living our "seven year late" miracle. Hope everyone's miracle comes soon!

Evan Update

Everyone has been so great in praying and being there for us. It has been hard to keep everyone updated and be on top of all the texts. We had a lot of paperwork and calls to make today and that took a long time.

Here is the low down on Evan as of 9:29 pm 1/5/11. He is still doing great but has jaundice and is under lights. We were only able to hold him twice for thirty to forty minutes each time today. He has to be under the lights most of the time. He loves to spend time on his tummy and wants to sleep ALL the time. He still has x-rays in the morning to check his gut and make sure there is no malrotation. So far so good. He ate twice today and pooped once. He doesn't eat a lot because he is so small and tired. You have to catch him right when he wakes up because if you try to feed him when he is comfortable it won't happen (as picture above). Hopefully tonight the nurse will try every three hours and we will have more of an estimate of release time.

Amanda is coming to visit tomorrow morning and we are very excited. She didn't get to hold him as much as we all wanted and we hope she gets to hold him longer tomorrow. A lot of people keep asking how placement was. I will definitely post more about the adoption part later once we are back in Idaho. As of now I will tell you this, it was wonderful and horrible at the same time. It is hard to explain. Part of her heart broke when she placed him and we had to watch that. It was so difficult. When she left I had to physically recover because it took so much out of me. We knew that he was in the right place but it was draining on all of us. We hope she can recover physically from the birth and emotionally from placement. That is where we are right now. We are comfortable being around each other and hope to continue our friendship with her and her family. We love them more than we can say and thank you isn't even adequate for what they have done for us.

We have felt all your prayers. Thanks everyone! We will post tomorrow evening once we are kicked out of the hospital again!

Here is some pictures of today. His IV is on the top of his head and the bottom one is one of the few we got with his eyes opening. He is just not ready to interact with the world.

Look who came 4 weeks early

Evan
6 lbs 4 oz
19 in
born: 1/2/11
placed in arms via hot box: 1/4/11

(more to come when all the craziness settles down)

Thanks: Orem Community, PCMC, Ronald McDonald house, Lifeflight nurses and pilot, doctors, and staff.

We love this little boy so much and he is very strong. He has the love of his first family plus the love of both of ours. Heavenly Father was inspired to put us together. We are overjoyed. Today was filled with bittersweet moments and we will never forget the love on Amanda's face as she looked at her sweet boy. That love makes us stronger and we rejoice that he looks so much like her. We can't wait to bring him home but he needs to stay at PCMC to get better. Thanks for the support of all our friends and family. We will update later.

Here's one for the books. Already has that man relaxing mode (he wasn't startled, that's just how funny he is)

And the dreams that you've dreamed of...

dreams really do come true.

Ours has at least.

We have been chosen by a wonderful woman who is due with a baby boy January 27th. We are eagerly awaiting the arrival and are in love with her and her whole family. Last month at this time we didn't know anyone was considering us. Sometimes things are meant to be.

Thanks to all our family and friends that have stood by us on this journey. Now another one of parenthood soon begins!!!

Myths and Truths

The FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) had a National Conference in Utah. Alex and I were unable to make it this year but we did get some handouts that were available. One of them is about some myths and truths of adopting. It was written by Renette Goodrich who is on the FSA Birth grandparent committee. I wanted to share it with all of you. Alex and I have heard some of these myths from friends and we have also said some of them ourselves. Getting to know 3 potential birth parents that were looking at us and listening to birth parent panels, we know that many of these things are not true. We have loved every young woman and man that has considered us to parent and we know that they have made the right decision for them. We can't wait to get chosen still and want an open adoption.

Myth: If a girl takes the baby home she will not place.

Truth: In some cases it is a healthy, healing experience, but it may not be the right choice for everyone.



Myth: If a girl places her baby she is being selfish.

Truth: Placing a child for adoption puts the need of the child ahead of the needs of the mother.



Myth: Girls who place their babies don't want their child.

Truth: It is not that the girls don't want their child, they love them so much they want what's best for their child which are a mom and a dad in a stable home. Something they couldn't provide.



Myth: Unwed mothers are delinquents or "drugies."

Truth: Most unwed mothers are good people from every walk of life.



Myth: If I'm still in a relationship with the birth father I should parent my child.

Truth: "When a man and woman conceive a child out of wedlock, every effort should be made to encourage them to marry. When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely due to age or other circumstances, unwed parents should be counseled to place the child for adoption...Adoption is a unselfish loving decision that blesses both the birth parents and the child in this life and in eternity." June 26, 2002 signed by the First Presidency.



Myth: If I place the baby for adoption I can pretend this never happened.

Truth: All who are involved will go through a grieving process in their own way. Placing a baby does allow the birth mom to move on with her life, but a birth mom never forgets her child.



Myth: Birth fathers disappear as soon as they find out their girlfriend is pregnant.

Truth: Some birth fathers are very supportive of their girl friend throughout the pregnancy and decision making process.



Myth: If I have a relationship with the birth mother she will want the baby back.

Truth: An open adoption can bring a lot of healing for both the adoptive mom and the birth mom. A bond and a trust can develop that helps all involved feel more secure about the adoption.



Myth: Because adoptive couples did not give birth to the child they don't love the child as much as the birth parents.

Truth: Adoptive couples bond with their adoptive children just as much as birth parents bond through the miracle of birth.



Myth: If my daughter places her baby I'll never see my grandchild again.

Truth: Open adoptions can be arranged to allow the birth grandparents to be involved in the child's life.



Myth: I can't trust my child to make the correct decision.

Truth: Supporting and having faith in your child and the process can build a strong parent/child relationship but the decision to place is solely between the birth parents and Heavenly Father.



Myth: If the parents had taught them this would never have happened.

Truth: As one birth mom put it. "I was taught; I just made my own choices."

Happy Birth Mothers Day!

Tomorrow is Birthmothers day and even though we don't have one yet we still appreciate all they do to help create families!! If you know any please remember to let them know how much they are loved and appreciated.

At this site http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/ you can go and donate for blankets for birthmoms. You can also read more stories from them and learn more about open adoption. Alex and I are excited to some day have an open adoption with a wonderful family!

Video from LDS Family Services

Here is a great video from our agency. Her name is Melanie and you can also find more stories here. We are committed to making an open adoption work and can't wait to be chosen.