Dreams Change

I've been feeling that I needed to write more about infertility or adoption and this is one of my personal journal posts from my private blog that I thought I would share.

I dreamed I was pregnant last night. I haven't had that dream in 4 years. That is when I gave up those dreams and chose a new one. It was painful to remember how those dreams used to affect me so strongly. I even had nauseous when I woke up which made the dream seem even more real. When I was getting ready for the day I found myself subconsciously fingering the drawer that carried the "stuff." You know, the OPK stick, BBT thermometers, pregnancy tests, plastic cups, and my copy of TCOYF so I could refer to the pictures if needed.

That drawer was emptied when we started to move forward with adoption but it was very hard to do. You see that drawer held my one positive pregnancy test that I held on to as proof that I was a woman. That my body worked just as well as others. It was something I would refer back to when my hopes were crushed month after month. Throwing it away was painful but necessary for me to fully commit to our new dream. Losing your dream to pick up another one is harder than most people imagine. My whole life I've been told that the first dream is the way to go and now I needed to change? How do you shut your body hormones down when they are screaming to do the one thing they are meant to? Your heart and mind knows what you should be doing but every month those hormones come back to "try" again. I'm just feeling what women have been feeling for ages.

I sometimes wish I could shut that part down in my body. Then I remember that was something I needed to have when we were placed with our son. My body started to adapt towards Evan and merged with his rhythms and cycles. I woke easily to his sounds, I interpreted his cries, and I knew what he needed from within. It did take time but my body shaped around him and his needs like it was supposed to. I loved him from the beginning but the bond took time for the both of us. He was getting used to me while I was getting used to him.

I still suffer from my infertility pain and I think it will always be there. Every baby shower announcement, pregnant shoppers, and newborn clothes will give me that "twitch" right in my heart. That knowledge that I know exactly what my life would have looked like if infertility wasn't in it. I've been married almost 9 years which means I would have had an almost 8 year old, 6 year old, 4 year old, and maybe 2 year old. I would have been done child bearing before I turned 30. When in reality I wasn't a mother until I was 30.

Only one look at my Evan makes those many painful years and thoughts worthwhile. I will never regret that my dreams changed. When in reality I was living the life I was supposed to have, Evan is right where he needs to be and I'm the mother that I need to be to my son.